Bathtime Ritual

1. Prop Iain on the side of the bathtub to watch the bath as it fills. Be sure to hold on, because he will attempt to launch himself into the bathtub, diaper and all, when the water is about 2 inches deep.

2. Insert Iain into bath. Lay him on his back, submerge him in the water. Grab his ankles and dip his head back to wet the tuft of feathers.

3. Holding Iain under the arms, swish him backwards through the water on his back, then forward through the water on his tummy, repeat. Then take his hands and swish him back and forth while he holds on. Then bounce him up and down a little so he dips his neck ruffles in the water.

4. Place Iain on his back on the surface (Mommy is the surface most of the time). Insert hand into BumbleBee washcloth. Apply soap. Lather it up by making the bee face mouth itself, sort of like Cookie Monster. Dialogue: "Iain! I am soooo hungry for toes!! I muuuust haaaave TOOOEES!!" Proceed to eat toes with washcloth. Make munching noises. Sing:

Clean, clean toe-sickles,

Toe-sickles, toesickes!

Clean, clean toe-sickles,

For Iain! Iain! Iain!

5. Use BumbleBee to wash the rest, paying special attention to the hiney, which was lately covered in green poo. Must wash that off carefully, because - you know - poo on the baby is bad.

6. Rinse. Swoosh Iain toward the emergency drain, which is stainless steel. When he gets close enough to see his reflection, ask: "Who's that baby? Is he taking a bath? At the same time as you? Weird!" Return to wash position for hair washing.

7. Apply soap directly to feather tuft. Use hands to lather, then give Iain a gentle scalp massage. Try to ignore his expression of serene entitlement ("Ah, the spa treatment. I deserve it, of course.").

8. Lay Iain back in the water, dip head, swoosh water up to rinse off his hair. Do not use the cup or he will be pissed. Do not stop too soon or he will be greasy-headed all the next day. Do not let his twirling feet get too near your throat or you'll be sorry.

9. Holding Iain under the arms, move him to the side of the tub to visit with his puppy. He will reach out his arms to her, let her lick his hands, and gurgle with delight. Try to avoid urge to Eat Him Up!! and instead simply kiss his cheek about 2000 times.

10. Rinse hands.

11. Lift Iain out of tub, into Daddy's waiting grasp, then into his bouncy seat (lined with a fresh towel). Daddy will swaddle him in terrycloth warmth, then take him to be re-diapered, dressed, sock-ed, and his hair brushed.

Whew.